2007-02-07 - 6:16 p.m.

I fell asleep last night making up the stories of a six-year-old boy, and making them as boring as I possibly could. It was just a way of making the words lull me into unconsciousness. I find it difficult to fall asleep if my brain's overactive and last night was one of those nights. It was like a constant ribbon of thoughts was being pulled out of my head - alternating between "IwantababyIwantababyGETPREGNANTNOW" and the terror of the next five years. I have no idea what I want to do and I have no idea if I'm going to somehow end up screwing up my life because I do it wrong. I know it's very doubtful that I'll end up in the gutter because I take the wrong uni course, but it's overwhelming and stressful at the moment and I ended up having a bit of a cry about it. Urrgh, I am pathetic. It makes my girlfriend's "I want to work so you can stay home with the kids" very reassuring, except that I don't know if I want that either.
Speaking of kids, that "wantababy" scream from my brain is OVERPOWERING recently. This is something I'm kind of ashamed of, but okay, here goes: I sort of sneer at IVF. I'm one of those people who believe the world is overpopulated, ALL parents should have to foster and adopt if they want to breed as well, VHEMT is a sort of smart idea and childfree-ers should be cheered on. I think it's when I see, you know, skeletal quintuplets with glasses at the age of 1 and mishaped heads that I go "No, that's going too far, why didn't you just adopt or something?" Which, you know, not a nice thing to think because I'm meant to be all pro-choice rah rah rah and whatever, but there, that's my shameful admission: I do sneer at the more expensive/invasive ART sometimes. ANYWAYS the point of all of this is that I got an extra glimpse of empathy last night while thinking about babies, because it occurred to me that it's such a desperate need I *would* undergo IVF to get there. It's not important to me that my children have a biological link to me or that I have them from a very young age, but I *have* to "have" at least A baby in my lifetime.

I don't know what I should do with my life and it's awful right now, as mentioned above. Writing/midwifery/law/random-mix-of-arts??? Ohhhh I don't know. I generally try not to think about it when I get to this point.